Attack of the FanGirls
by Chaimera
Summary: Dundundun, Harry and Sanpe find something strange in common.
1. Attack of the FanGirls! Dun dun dunnnnn

Chaimera: Hi there  
  
Kaz: *bouncing* Why HelllOOOooooooo…  
  
Chaimera: Who gave her the Skittles?  
  
C.C/Rayne: *point at each other*  
  
Chaimera: This came out of boredom, excuse me while I feed her caffeine free coffee…   
  
Attack of the Fan Girls (this is really effective if you imagine it like the start of a Hammer Horror)  
  
By Chaimera  
  
"Ron do you have to make your move when neither of us are looking?"   
  
"It makes it even easier that usual to beat you Harry."   
  
Ron grinned as Harry directed his knight across the board while at the same time arguing with his bishop. Hermione Granger sat in one of the large cushy arm chairs with one eye on the game while she read a large dusty book that, Harry most likely thought came from the library's restricted section. It was the Easter break and they were the only Gryffindor's that had remained for the week's holiday. The common room was quiet and warm and the trio liked it that way, not having to sneak about and whisper all the time. The game continued on in a companionable silence when suddenly a large brown owl swooped through the window and dropped a bundle of letters into Harry's lap. He looked at the front of them and sighed. Hermione, her curiosity overwhelming her urge to read, glanced over his shoulder to see why he was so down. As she read the front of one of the envelopes her face broke out into a wide grin.   
  
"Oh, Harry, I see your fan girls have found out that your real. That cant be good."   
  
Ron looked very confused. "Fan girls?"   
  
Hermione nodded, enjoying the moment far too much. "You see, out of some freak coincidence, someone in the muggle world wrote a book about Harry and everything that's happened and it has a huge muggle following. Most people pass it off as fantasy, but some..um…dedicated fans delved too deep, and now Harry gets fan mail on a regular basis." She giggled slightly and sat back in her chair.   
  
"It's not funny Hermione. The last time we were in Muggle London I got mobbed by a group of them. I'm pretty sure one of them tugged a piece of my hair out." He rubbed his scalp in remembrance of the pain. Hermione giggled again   
  
"Yes, that didn't do much for your hair style did it?"   
  
Ron looked between the pair. "Hold on. How come I'm only hearing about this now?"   
  
Harry shrugged "You never asked." He looked at his watch and started. "Oh crap, I'm late."   
  
"For what?"   
  
"I have to go to London today."   
  
Hermione frowned. "Your not going alone are you Harry. It's still dangerous even in central London, what with the ministry in disarray and all."   
  
Harry's face darkened. "No I'm not going alone. I talked to Dumbledore and he's sending a professor with me."   
  
"Oh, which one?"   
  
Professor Severus Snape sat at the desk in his office scowling. Not that he didn't usually scowl but today it was so much more angry than usual. He dipped his quill in the well of red ink beside his hand and proceeded to fail yet another student.   
  
With the drivel they submit as essays they shouldn't even be admitted to the school, he thought acidly. Though it did little to lift his spirits scrawling the large red 0% over the page did give him some satisfaction. The pile still to be marked was a meter high and to make matters worse he had to escort Potter to London. If it had been up to him, he would have abandoned Potter in the middle of London. See how is luck is with no one around to help him. Severus chuckled at his own maliciousness and looked at the clock above the fire which was crackling merrily. He gave the fire a glare for good measure and then took note of the time. He go up from the chair grumbling about Potter and his own rules and was about to take 50 points from Gryffindor when the door flew open to reveal a very out of breath Harry Potter.   
  
Snape smirked as he watched Harry catch his breath. "Your late Potter."   
  
"Sorry professor, I lost track of the.."   
  
"30 points form Gryffindor" Snape smiled his patented evil smile as Harry glared daggers at him.   
  
"Are you quite ready Potter, I don't want this to take up more of my time than needed."   
  
Harry looked furious, but just nodded. Snape took down a jar of floo powder from above the fire and held it out to Harry.   
  
"Go to Diagon Ally. I will be right behind you."   
  
Harry took a handful of the glittery green powder and stepped into the fire.   
  
He stepped out in the Leaky Cauldron and received a cheery wave from Tom the bar man. Very few others spared him a second glance, not wanting to be a known friend of Harry Potter in this time of war, though he got another cheery call and wave from a man in the corner whom he recognised to be Kingsley Shacklebolt. He was about to make his way over to say hello, when he felt Snape's rough grasp on his shoulder, steering him towards the Muggle exit.   
  
"We don't have time for this Potter."   
  
He scowled but followed Snape out obediently.   
  
The next two hours passed relatively uneventfully. The two got what they needed and though not out of the kindness of his heart, Snape showed Harry some very interesting Wizarding shops not connected to Diagon Ally. The pair were making their way back to the Leaky Cauldron when they ran into a rather unexpected delay. Harry was trying his best to ignore Snape and visa versa, when a high pitched squeal emanated from somewhere behind them. They both froze and looked at each other.   
  
"What was that?" Muttered Snape tersely.   
  
A few more high pitched sounds joined the original. Harry turned slowly to see a group of teenage girls pointing and giggling at the two of them. They all had some kind of Harry Potter clothing on them and to Harry's surprise three or four of them had Snape shirts on. One of them pulled out a note book and Harry galvanised into action.   
  
"Fan girls. Run!!"   
  
The two of them took of but they could hear the hoard of adolescent girls thundering up behind them. Harry darted down a side ally with Snape close behind him. Snape skidded to a halt and opened a door. "In here." Harry darted in the door and the pair ducked behind a shelf.   
  
"Why a book shop?" panted Harry trying desperately to catch his breath.   
  
"This is a rare book shop and it doesn't sell your bloody books." Replied Snape angrily slumping up against one of the shelves. "Their worse than Death Eaters. At least they put you out of your misery quickly."   
  
Harry nodded "I see you've done this before. I didn't know you had fan girls professor."   
  
Snape who had closed his eyes cracked a lid and peered at Harry. "You tell anyone and I'll hex you into oblivion." Harry laughed and Snape glared at him. "Fine, you breath a word and I'll feed you to that thirsty mob out there." He nodded to the door.   
  
Harry paled and nodded. His eyes widened and what little colour was in his face left. "Their back professor, duck."   
  
"Where, do you think they went?" The voices were clear through glass shop front.   
  
"I just wanted a quote."   
  
"I quote, I wanted them."   
  
"I wonder if he got my marriage proposal yet?"   
  
"Well he's going to marry me any way so it doesn't matter."   
  
"Do you think he gives autographs?"  
  
"Do you think he gives kisses?"  
  
"Harry's better!"  
  
"No Severus is the best character!!"  
  
"Obviously it's Draco."  
  
"Check out these pictures I got at King's Cross"  
  
"I still have a lock of his hair."   
  
Harry frowned. "I knew it was one of them." He muttered and Snape laughed.   
  
"Careful professor, they might hear you. Wouldn't want to loose any of that nice greasy hair."   
  
"Maybe if we wait around here, they'll come back." There was a chorus of agreement, and Harry sighed. "We're going to be here a LONG time."  
  
Stay tuned for: When Care of Magical Creatures goes Wrong(I might even put in a Triffid.)  
  
And When Snape Attacks 1-3  
  
Chaimera: Ok, so that wasn't as funny as I planned it , but really I crap. What did you expect?  
  
Kaz: Something remotely entertaining!  
  
Chiamera: Quiet. But I have to say I like my army of Fan Girls. They will probably turn up in other fics as people in crowds or at quidditch matches. If you would like to join the mob, just put it in a review.  
  
Rayne: Speaking of reviews, please do.  
  
Ciao 


	2. The Second Coming their backscary voice

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of the Potterverse characters, I am simply borrowing them and will return them in full working order. And obviously I don't own Daniel Radcliffe, Rupert Grint or Alan Rickman(this brings a tear to my eye) and they are being used without permission.  
  
Chaimera: Ahh a second instalment.  
  
C.C: Ahh the crappyness of it all.  
  
Chaimera: Shut it.  
  
Kaz: Get on with it.   
  
The Second Coming.  
  
Severus Snape hated children.   
  
He hated teaching.   
  
And he especially hated teenage girls. He glared at the pile of letters that had been growing rapidly, in the corner of his office. He wasn't sure what he had done to deserve this. He could spot a few howlers in the mound of parchment, some already smouldering at the corners. Some how those wretched fan-girls had found out how to contact him. He growled and set some of the letters on fire for good measure. It had taken him and that Potter brat four hours to escape from muggle London without being cornered by a blood thirsty mob the last time. It just wasn't fair. Severus knew that he was whining, but he really didn't care. He knew from experience that fan-girls would stop at nothing to get an elusive quote or autograph. He didn't want to think about what the more hardcore ones wanted. It really, really wasn't fair!!   
  
"Hermione for the last time, this really isn't funny!!" Harry said crossly as he touched the long scratch on his cheek gingerly. The bushy haired girl in question would have replied but she was concentrating on trying to breath through her hysterical giggles. Ron threw in a glare of his own for good measure and massaged his arm where one girl had had a death grip upon him.   
  
"But it really is." Said Hermione after reclaiming some air to her lungs.   
  
Harry glared at the girl. "You just wait 'Mione. Your time will come."   
  
She smiled sweetly at the two of them as they all made their way back to the castle. "Oh, I seriously doubt that. I wonder how they found Hogsmeade. Its nearly impossible to get to by muggle transport." Harry grimaced. "Nothings impossible for these girls. Next thing they'll have gotten in to the castle." Ron paled "You don't think they could, do you?"   
  
Hermione giggled again and Ron thumped her lightly on the arm. "Harry's right you know. What goes around comes around."   
  
"Why Ron Weasley!" She proclaimed sarcastically "How very profound of you!"   
  
Harry turned to the pair in the entrance hall. "I need to go see Snape for a second. I'll meet you guys up there."   
  
Ron peered at him closely. "Going to see Snape voluntarily huh? You feeling ok?"   
  
"Yeah, I just need to tell him something."   
  
"Well I'd better go with you, just in case the over grown bat tries to eat you. We'll see you in a few 'Mione." She nodded and headed up the stairs towards Gryffindor tower while the boys headed down into the dungeons.   
  
Ron shivered as the dark corridors of the dungeons loomed ahead. "Why are we down here again?" "Just for a min…."   
  
"Don't you have to be somewhere else?" The two boys jumped as a venomous voice pierced the silence. Severus glared down his nose at the two boys.   
  
"Professor, we were just looking for you."   
  
"How very unfortunate for me."   
  
Harry scowled. "I just came to warn you that the fa…."   
  
All three of them froze as a giggle and the sound of running feet came from behind them. Ron's freckles stood out on his paler than usual skin. "You don't think?"   
  
"How could they have gotten in?"   
  
"It impossible. No muggle is able to enter the castle."   
  
A small shriek and a call of "I found them!" emanated from a short distance away. "You sure about that professor?" Asked Harry as he set off at a run.   
  
All three dodged in to an empty class room and Ron sank down to the floor. "How the hell did they manage to get in?"   
  
"God only knows, but their bloody single minded." Ron looked at the door nervously as the sound of an enthusiastic mob of fan-girls approached. "Usually I'd be happy to be chased down by girls, but this is just too much."   
  
"Really Weasley, if you would just shut up we can find away to get out of this mess." Snape growled, scanning the room for an alternative means of escape. Harry was doing the same and they both came up empty handed.   
  
"Of all the rooms in this sodding castle, we had to go into the one with no windows and no fireplace." Ron jumped as Snape kicked a cupboard at the side of the room. "Since when did a greasy git like him get girls chasing after him?" Ron hissed as Harry as the pair watched Snape continue to demolish the room in a bout of uncharacteristic lack of control. Harry just shrugged and scratched his head in thought.   
  
"What if we set Peeves on them?" Snape paused in his destruction and looked at them for a moment. He then shook his head and sneered. "They'd probably scare him more." He then returned to the various acts of vandalism he was committing.   
  
Harry sat back against the wall and sighed as he heard the search for them continue out side the room. "You know, I kinda feel like joining him."   
  
Fifteen minuets later they were still there, minus several pieces of furniture. Suddenly Snape stopped his rampage and look at the door, obviously deep in thought. Ron sat up. "Hey Harry, I think the old bastards had an epiphany."   
  
Harry looked at him. "Either that or he's trying to decide whish of us he's going to kill first." Then Snape strode over to the cupboard we mentioned earlier. He flung open the doors and out stepped a Death Eater, covered in blood and pointing a wand straight at his chest. The boys jumped to their feet but a second later it had been reduced to a few whisps of smoke and Snape closed the doors.   
  
"Boggart." Muttered Harry.   
  
"Well done Mr. Potter. I see your skills of deduction are still as acute as ever" Sneered Snape as he moved towards the door.   
  
Ron looked puzzled. "Yeah it's a boggart. So what?"   
  
Snape rolled his eyes in disgust. "That boggart, you two dunderheads, is going to be the solution to our en masse hormone ridden problem."   
  
Snape took a bag that had been abandoned in the corner of the room and forced the boggart in side it. "Wait here." He ordered harshly. The boys watched through the crack in the door as Snape set the bag down in the middle of the corridor, opened it and then darted around the corner. They could hear laughing and a small group of the girls rounded the corner. Suddenly they were looking at them selves. Harry was forcibly reminded of their third year when he and Hermione went back in time to save Sirius. The boggart had become all three of them. The group stopped in front of the boggart not quite sure what was going on. The boggart Snape stepped forward and addressed the girl at the front of the group. She had pink hair pulled in to a loose bun and clutched a poster of Snape to her chest. A red headed girl clutched her arm, wearing a "Mrs. Harry Potter" t-shirt. The boggart Snape looked kindly down on the small group.   
  
Now that just doesn't look right.thought Harry.   
  
"Now girls," The boggart Snape said gently. "I hate to tell you this, but we're all actors. None of this is real." The girls began to shake their heads but the boggart continued. "I'm Alan Rickman, this is Rupert Grint and Daniel Radcliffe. Now, how about some tea, and we'll sort all this out."   
  
"I've never heard anyone scream like that in my life." Ron looked pale and took the chocolate frog offered by a still giggling Hermione.   
  
Harry nodded. "And what was that she was shouting about wanting the old mean Snape back?" (Yes we do love our snarky Sev, don't we?) Hermione glanced over to the window where three owls were scrambling to get in.   
  
She smiled "Looks like the fan mail's in for today boys." The pair groaned as she opened the windows, letting the owls in. Substantial piled of letters were dumped in front of the boys but the third owl delivered a small stack of letters to Hermione. She opened the first one and blanched. "Oh no!" Harry grinned at her as he glanced at the letter.   
  
"We warned you 'Mione, there are such things as fan-boys."  
  
End   
  
Chaimera: Ashamed as I am, yes I did write my self and my best friend into this fic.  
  
Kaz: Oh the horror!!  
  
C.C: That's pretty low.  
  
Chaimera: Oh be quiet before I sit on your head.  
  
Kaz: Hmmph, wouldn't be the first time.  
  
Chaimera: Anyway, I'm the one with pink hair, which I actually have this week, and yes my best friend really does want to marry Harry.  
  
Rayne: Yes, but she a freak.  
  
Chaimera: Zip it you over sized glow worm. Any way, I need more mob people, cause I think I'm gonna do one more.  
  
Kaz: That means REVIEW people.   
  
Ciao 


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